Exploits of A Lazy Fireteam: Chapter 1
by Skyshard16
Summary: This is the story of three lazy Guardians loafing about in the European Dead Zone. They have been there for three years, and have missed out on a lot of important events, including the Red War... This story is for comedic purposes, written because as all of us Destiny fans know, boredom is definitely a factor, until you get roped into the content again.


**Chapter 1: I Got 99 Problems and They're All Annoying**

It had been a no-good, terrible and very bad day for Shift. Living in the EDZ sucked. Shift pushed his way through broken doors and collapsed hallways to get to the ground level of the building he was trapped inside. It reminded him of an old pharmacy, gurneys and pill containers and the various needles lying on the ground. Old vials lay scattered across the aged tiles. Glass crunched beneath Shift's boots as walked towards a large window. He peered out to see he was still a floor above the road beneath him.

"Close enough." He told himself. Shift dropped out of the building, stumbling along the overgrown path. He stopped short as his trench coat caught on a gnarly bush.

"Agh gosh dangit! I don't need more holes in this!" Shift complained. He tugged on it in an attempt to free it from its capturer.

"Shift, what are you doing?" An automated female voice complained. Shift's Ghost, Lima, appeared nearby.

"Fighting the Hive!" Shift said sarcastically.

"Shift, you already have like five hundred holes in that cloak!" Lima pouted. "Just rip it and we'll move on!"

"Look Lima, I know it as holes in it but I have to a little dignity-!" His sentence was stopped short as his cloak freed itself. It shredded with a nasty sound as he fell face first into the ground. With a groan, Shift pushed himself off the ground. He lifted his helmet slightly and rubbed his nose. Lima was still giggling at his expense when he sat up.

"Why is this helmet so tight?" He said to himself as he looked over his helmet. "It's like they made it for an Exo."

"I don't know Shift, maybe if you didn't get shot down two years ago you could get a different one..." Lima said as she giggled.

"That was not my fault!" Shift protested as he stood. "How was I supposed to know that Fallen were stupid accurate with those stupid Skiff turrets?"

"Those Dregs have an uncanny grenade aim... Maybe they were shooting that time?" Lima asked.

"Feh. I don't know. But it's not my fault!" Shift said as he stomped away. "Ralph and Toaster are the most forgetful Guardians ever." Shift used a high-pitched mocking voice. "We'll get you the parts for your jumpship, Shift! Eventually!" Lima giggled again, and dissipated in a flash.

Shift sighed. He shoved his hands into his pockets and kicked a rock down the path as he stomped towards the ominous spike in the distance. The large, white, crescent shape cut into the sky like a giant talon. Its ivory color was illuminated by occasional flashes of blue and purple energy inside and all round it. It was surrounded by a large gray forest that stretched like mold over the land. Because of the odd effects the Shard had on the plant life, it was known as a ghost forest or something.

But that's were Shift had to go. He was currently searching for parts to finish building a holo-screen he had his Fireteam found in the abandoned building they were currently calling home. The only issue was that the Fallen had practically taken everything from the EDZ already. Normally that wouldn't have been an issue, they could always have stolen the things they needed, but...

Shift couldn't glow anymore.

The guardians of Fireteam Slingshot had all agreed that what they did was not wielding the "Light", but just some fancy glowing. As a team, they could only "glide", "lift", or as Ralph put it: "Basically just jump higher than other people...and come back to life."

But a couple weeks ago, Shift had a terrible case of sleep paralysis. Ralph's Ghost Constellation, or Con as he preferred, had moaned about the end of days or some crap. Shift and the team hadn't taken Constellation seriously until Toaster's Ghost, Artifact, said that he couldn't resurrect Toaster if he died. That realization had gone around the whole team.

And so, they all wandered aimlessly across the EDZ, with no idea what had happened or what to do next. Lima had guessed it had something to do with the Traveler, and that they maybe should do something to fix it. But one look between Shift and the other Guardians, and they decided to ignore it. It would fix itself. Wasn't it in a coma or something anyway? It could be natural.

Shift was the Warlock, Ralph their Hunter, and Toaster the Titan. The last couple of weeks had consisted of the Fireteam sitting all day in an abandoned hotel room that overlooked the road. That was where they had found the holo-screen that Shift was currently searching for parts to fix it. There wasn't much to eat where they had holed up, but whatever food like objects the Guardians gathered, their Ghosts turned them into mediocre meals. Normally very simple meals like cereal and milk. Sometimes a potato.

In their little living space, they watched from the balcony window when the occasional Fallen scouts passed by. Every now and then a Dreg would peek inside looking for scraps, only to get thrown out the window and over the adjacent cliff. Slingshot made bets on how the Dregs would die once tossed out said window. Toaster had won last week's bet when the last Dreg exploded 150 feet below, instead of missing the old fuel barrel.

Shift groaned as he stumbled down the path, clutching his stomach as he thought of it. That Dreg had been in need of a shower. The creature's breath and body odor had been a deadly combo. Even Shift's air filters couldn't keep the it out as he tossed the flailing creature out the window and over the edge.

A few weeks had passed and while in their hideout, Shift had spotted a fight between the Cabal and Fallen ships above the Shard. The Fireteam had decided to go check it out, but had argued between themselves just who was going to do it. After a long debate, they had drawn straws. Shift, despite his suspicions that Ralph had rigged the selection, was chosen to go scout it out.

Shift grumbled as he walked and kicked a rock along the path again. He heard it thump against something. He looked up from his feet and jumped nearly four feet into the air. A spooky forest branch was stretching down as if it was trying to grab him by his collar. He had covered a lot more distance than he guessed. He looked into the misty cluster of trees when Lima yelped as well, causing him to jump again.

"WAH! Stop!" Shift said as he shook his finger angrily.

"I'm sorry!" Lima squeaked. Shift's heart sank as realization set in, and he slowly and pointedly looked into the forest.

"Lima are there-"

"I-I-I don't know how many! A lot." Lima squeaked again. Shift sighed as he stared up into the sky.

"Call the others..." Shift said as looked down at his feet again, chin to his chest. Shift hunched down against a nearby corner in wait. Thirty minutes later when he saw their ships approaching, he started to sit up. He slipped as his cloak caught on a rebar protruding from the concrete, claiming part of the fabric.

"AAAAGH!" He yelled. "For Hive's sake..." He glared at Lima as she giggled.


End file.
